Showing weakness

18 Jul

Workout:  Biking all around the city running errands.  I probably did a little over an hour total of bike riding.

Thank you all for your suggestions the other day regarding  being injured.  I think I’m going to rejoin the yoga studio I used to go to. I figure if I’m not running, I’ll be going there a whole lot more than I used to.  Plus, you can’t put a price tag on your mental health, right?  haha.  Seriously, though, without running, I need some sorta stress relieving outlet.   I think I may just go to my first class tonight!  : )

I have the day off today, so it is 7:30 and I am just sitting here on my couch in my PJs writing this post.  I am still trying to recover physically and mentally from Monday night’s shift.  It was one of the worse shifts I have had yet as a resident, due to a number of factors, which I am not going to get into, but lets just say I was already upset going into my shift (for a number of reasons, the heel/foot which was actually the least of the issues), and then the night ended up being horribly busy, in addition to some other issues that came up.   I was emotionally shot by the time morning rolled around, and at one point I even cried …

That is the first time that has EVER happened on the job.  In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I cried period.  I guess the long hours, stressful night, and stress dealing with the other issues all combined together at once in one big head-on collision and tipped me over the edge.

I hate admitting I cried as much as I hated doing it.  The idea of showing tears makes me feel weak and incompetent as a person and a physician.  That is just the way my personality is.  I’ve always been stoic.  Plus, whether it’s a true perception or not, I feel that women are still perceived by some as being weaker than men on the job, and I feel that as a woman in medicine, me showing tears contributes to that perception.

I know it may be irrational, and I know it’s stupid to be upset with myself for getting upset….we’re all human, but I guess I have issues showing vulnerability, weakness, and imperfection.

When I finally got home, at around 11:25 am (after leaving my place for the hospital last night at 7:45 pm), I was too worked up from everything to fall asleep right away.  Plus, I needed to get back to a day schedule for my next couple of shifts, so I decided to just stay awake and run some errands.

One of the things I did was get my hair cut and highlighted!  I don’t think I’ve highlighted my hair in (over?) 2 years, and the last cut I got was back in August/September.  My hair definitely needed some fixing up!!

Since I had the full day free (well, half day at that point), I made an appointment where I normally do at the Aveda Institute, where you get really cheap hair cuts and colorings, because the students there do it.  A haircut is about $15, coloring about $50-60, and they don’t take tips.  Pretty good deal, eh?  My poor student, though….don’t ever go get your haircut post-call!  I made it extremely challenging for her because I kept falling asleep and nodding my head!  Haha.  Luckily, it didn’t cause any mishaps to my hair.

I had a little message and flower waiting for me from Dean when I got home the other day since when I work nights,  he leaves for work before I get home… always helps cheer me up, even if the night was bad : )

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One Response to “Showing weakness”

  1. Losing Lindy July 19, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    Dean is so sweet! I hope we get to see pictures of your new hair

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