Being dishonest with ourselves

As I write this, I am sitting here at work in our reading room.  No, I am not blogging while I should be working….there is just literally no studies for me to look at right now. It’s been…dare I say it…a quiet day. Of course, now that I said the Q word, it will probably get busy! I was never superstitious until I started residency. Ha, but honestly, I wouldn’t mind if it picked up a little.

I am currently on MR Body, which means I analyze lots of livers and kidneys, amongst other things, piecing together the way something enhances or responds to various MR sequences (which are all different based on various physics properties of the atoms/structure of the thing we’re looking at) to determine if it is malignant/cancerous or something benign, like a hemangioma.  It’s actually kinda cool.  I’ve said this before, but being a first year radiology resident kind of sucks.  You just don’t know anything and feel dumb all the time.  Radiology is so much more rewarding as you become more senior in your training and have more knowledge, although there’s still certainly plenty for me to learn!!

My “office”, which is my radiology cubicle at the hospital.  I usually avoid taking self-portraits, but I don’t really have other pictures for this post and thought I’d prove that I wear more than workout clothes and pajamas : )

Today was the first day I actually got up easily early and had a normal amount of energy since getting sick….I only had my usual 3 cups of coffee instead of the 5 I had yesterday.  Yes I drank FIVE cups yesterday, although when I say “cups” I’m referring to actual cups, that is, 6-8 oz/cup….not 5 “tall” (12 oz) or “grande” (16 oz) sized cups.  Americans, thanks to Starbucks and our “oversized” culture, have a very distorted idea of what a cup actually equals, as they do with most serving sizes of food as well.

An American vs European sized coffee.

After getting home last night, taking some ibuprofen, eating dinner, and doing some studying, I decided I wanted to go running, so at 9:00 pm I headed downstairs and punched out 7 miles on the TM and 30 minutes on the elliptical.

This year, because of my schedule, I’ve switched my workouts from the morning to the evening.  I rarely run at night, though, but you know what?  I really liked working out at that time.  It was really relaxing.  I just totally zoned out while watching Revenge on my Ipad (the reason I threw on 30 minutes on the TM was so that I could watch more Revenge!  I can’t wait to work out again tonight so that I can watch the next episode.  haha #addicted.).

Some people worry about having trouble sleeping after working out at night, but I had no problem.  In fact, I NEVER have problem falling asleep at night, haha, including Friday nights, to Dean’s disappointment, I’m sure.  It’s nice working out at night because I can just go back upstairs, jump in the shower, and go to bed with my hair wet.  I HATE blow drying my hair in the morning.  When I go to bed with it wet, I just spend about ten minutes curling it in the morning.  SOOO much easier and less annoying.

~

Today I was cleaning up some of the apps on my iphone and came across this note I had written down a year and a half ago.  I think it was something I wrote in response to something I was thinking or reading.  I don’t think I quoted from anything, but I don’t really remember….regardless, I thought it was good.

Before cut and pasting my note, I’ll start off by saying a lot of people put on facades for others.  Publicly they may give the impression that they or they’re life is perfect, when in reality, it’s probably not.  Clearly politicians and priests are guilty of this, but so is so much of our culture.  Just look how easy it is for us to “create” an image we want people to have of us using facebook, instagram, or a blog.  I think a lot of us probably have distorted or inaccurate views of many of the people we think we know!

What’s probably worse, though, is when we have a distorted view of ourselves….when we’re dishonest with ourselves.  My note was a reflection about addressing ourselves and our feelings….about staring ourselves straight in the face and being honest about who we are and what our fears are.

Here it is:

By feeling [addressing our fears], you grow, perhaps you gain understanding, perhaps you don’t, but either way, facing those emotions and confronting the reason behind them forces us to learn a little more about ourselves, and the world around us.  Sometimes, the knowledge we gain, opens our eyes to just how much we don’t understand.  We leave behind our naiveté, and take a step forward outside of our comfort zone, and that is scary.

Of course, we can choose to continue live in our naiveté, running from our emotions, running from what we fear, running from the unknown.  We can distract ourselves.  We can drink away our sorrows, numbing the pain, or eat excessively, trying to fill an emptiness in our soul.  We can starve ourselves, trying to gain control of our bodies…in place of dealing with what we can’t control in our lives.  We can turn to drugs or sex.  We can avoid confronting our fears and emotions by burying ourselves in our jobs, keeping our minds busy so that we don’t have to deal with what truly scares us.  We can do the same thing with hobbies, such as running.  But what do we gain from this?  A fake sense of comfort?..a sense of comfort that eventually crumbles when other things in our life are affected by our actions or inactions?  Then what are we left with?

Now, I’m not saying that we all need to become super introspective and go on a quest to “find ourselves”, whatever the hell that means, but I I DO think problems can arise when we don’t address certain fears and anxieties of ours, and I do think that when we’re not honest with ourselves, it’s hard to be honest with others, and relationships will inevitably suffer.

Anyway, that’s just my two cents, and that’s about all the introspection I have for today.  Time to get some work done (i’m now back at home) so that I have time for my double date later tonight with the treadmill and Revenge.

QUESTIONS

Enjoy running/working out at night?

What do you do to distract yourself on the treadmill?  Read?  Listen to music?  Watch TV?  If you watch TV, which shows do you like to watch while running?

About these ads